Remember that Wal-Mart work schedule I posted? Forget it. Because of my screwed up spine, I cannot do the work that the particular job calls for. Right now I am lying in bed, waiting for the 3 naproxin I took to kick in, while my back continues to scream obscenities at me.

I'm going to get a check from Wal-Mart for 10 hours of work. I feel like such a failure right now, it's not even funny.

This month, getting a job took precedence over NaNoWriMo. I kinda burned myself out, anyway. The thing about writing a novel is you have to develop details, and I can't do that to save my life.

My book will get written. It'll just take longer than a month to do it.

Anyway, found a job. My schedule for the next 3 weeks will go here.

Sat	Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thu	Fri
11/21	11/22	11/23	11/24	11/25	11/26	11/27
930AM	4PM	N/A	10AM	10/AM	N/A	5AM
4PM	11PM	N/A	5PM	5PM	N/A	2PM

Sat	Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thu	Fri
11/28	11/29	11/30	12/1	12/2	12/3	12/4
5PM	11AM	N/A	1PM	11AM	N/A	11AM
9PM	8PM	N/A	10PM	8PM	N/A	8PM

Sat	Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thu	Fri
12/5	12/6	12/7	12/8	12/9	12/10	12/11
4PM	10AM	N/A	N/A	11AM	N/A	10AM
11PM	5PM	N/A	N/A	7PM	N/A	7PM

There. Nice and neat.

So. I was talking to someone from CC last night (by the name of Sayuri) who decided she would tell me that "you're a male, therefore you lie," and that "until you show yourself face-to-face, you don't exist."

Do you know what it feels like to be told you don't exist? She was trying to say that in order for me to prove that I was telling the truth, I was to go visit her NOW. Something I can't do because I lack the funds to do. Maybe it's because I want to see everyone smile, I don't know, but her words hurt me. I feel like she was dragging me along for her own personal enjoyment, like I was just some idiot.

And now it makes me feel like hiding behind some kind of asshole persona online. Hiding my real self and developing an ego.

Except I don't understand why I'd want to please her. She reminds me way too much of Liz, and that's not someone I feel like fucking with again. These are all the thoughts swirling in my head, and had been swirling last night, until I centered on one thought: I'm lonely.

I want companionship. But I want it where I am, and not in an LDR. I want to be able to hold someone, to hug and kiss them. To be able to hang out, to take them out. To be able to share who I am with them, and in turn they do the same.

So I wonder if I'm coming off as desperate online. I haven't had a girlfriend since roughly late July/early August of last year. I haven't had a physical, 'right-where-I-was' girlfriend since about last May. I don't want this to drive my attitude but it's getting to the point where I can't help shit anymore.

And I don't have any means to go out and meet people. Russellville is a bullshit town. There is jack shit to do around here, no places for younger people to hang out. Hell, we're lucky to find work; I'm STILL looking.

I'm just so completely unsure about my life right now. I'm tired of being yelled at bye a jobless mother than I don't have a job. Her excuse? "I have to be here for my grandchildren." She watches Landon for 3 hours a night maybe 4 times a week. At $2 an hour. Good luck paying rent on $24 a week.

She says David's on her ass about me getting a job. And every time she brings it up, I either want to shrug, or tell her to grow a fucking backbone. As much as she goes on and on about "living a healthy life" and "don't share a bed with someone who's not a Christian"... guess where David sleeps? Her cover-up for that? "We don't have sex." AND SHE WONDERS WHY HE GOES LOOKING FOR PUSSY ELSEWHERE.

I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of having to keep my opinions to myself for fear of hurting the other people's feelings. I'm tired of being the go-to guy for everything from cigarette money when my mom doesn't have any, to cleaning the kitchen when my mom just doesn't want to do it.

FOR INSTANCE: there was a night she requested I do half the dishes, and she'd do half the dishes. So I did my half in one large load, she let hers sit for days until it became another huge load, and then told me to do it. But she screams at me when I get sidetracked and let stuff sit. She screams at me when I don't do the dishes "this very instant" when she tells me to.

I don't know, but I'm not that big a fan of sticking my hands in scalding hot water to wash dishes that, ultimately, she'll find something wrong with and tell me I didn't do a good job cleaning. I honestly believe I do the dishes more than she does, because she's got someone to delegate to whenever she "doesn't feel like" doing the dishes. Or whenever she "doesn't feel like" cleaning the kitchen.

And we both clean the kitchen more than David. I often wonder what the hell she sees in him. He was married when he began flirting and fucking her, and she wonders why he cheats on her. His idea of taking out the garbage does NOT include replacing the garbage bag. Too often I come into the kitchen after he's taken the trash out, and I have to replace the garbage bag.

I guess I'm just ranting here. I think this is why my muse left. I get the impression that my mother thinks I'm an idiot, and that I can't do anything, and won't follow through on anything. It would be nice to be told by HER that she believes in me, rather than being screamed at when shit doesn't go her way, OR my way. I have encouragement from friends, but it doesn't do much when my own family thinks I can't do anything.

My own mother considers me to be mentally unstable. She says I should seek treatment. Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know how much it destroys a person to be told by their own mother that they are mentally unstable? Because another person told me I was unstable at one point... remember that blog?

I want the old me back.

I get scolded nearly every day now-a-days because I don't have a job, and because I haven't found a replacement yet. The biggest bitcher here is David, who is under the impression that just because I'm male and not on disability, I can work just as hard (if not harder) as him. Mr. Disability, who's main source of income is a $600 government check, who goes out and mows lawns or works on roofs or does all this other back-breaking labor every day, and yet still draws disability.

And then there's my mother. Who finds it fine to scream and yell at me for not having a job, saying David's on her ass about it. Even though she herself has no job, and has made no effort to find one. She spends all day on her ass in bed reading, or playing handheld games, and yet is on my ass because I haven't found a job and do the same damn thing that she does.

When I don't have a job, I'm yelled at because I don't have one. When I do have a job, I'm yelled at because I'm not spending my money in accordance to my mother's budget.

"Save your money!" turns into "Can I borrow $5?" when she's out of smokes.

SHE GOES THROUGH A PACK A DAY, AT LEAST.

...

The following is a list of the places I've applied to work. It's also a list of all the places that are not hiring. With the exception of Carpenter, I've applied to all of these places in this week alone.


Carpenter Company
4th Street Shell station
Captain D's
Walmart
Quality Inn
Save-A-Lot
Dollar General Market
KFC
BP on Bowling Green Rd
Farmer's Hardware
Kangaroo Mart

Thus ends part 1.

(Oct 9) 14:17:36 [Poet] If it's a failed attempt at humor and is homosexual in nature, it's generally Pard.

You know, I don't normally let this guy get on my nerves. But just once, I'd like to know:

WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO HIM TO DESERVE THIS HOSTILITY WHENEVER I'M IN THE SAME FUCKING CHATROOM AS HE IS?!

3 month old: "WAAAAAAAH!"

Mother: Aww!

3 month old: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Mother: Aww, so cute!


For the love of fucking GOD, stop commenting to the child about how cute he is when he's screaming, and get him to STOP FUCKING SCREAMING!!! ESPECIALLY when it's on a fucking workday, and you've woken me up at 10:30 to ask if I am looking for a car, when I just spent my last paycheck on a cell phone bill that decided it would be fun to try to rape me in the ass, and I don't particularly HAVE $500 to buy the car, nor would I have the money to pay for registration/insurance/tune-up/etc if I COULD get the car.

If one interferes with my sleep schedule, my hours get whacked up. I wake up tired, hit snooze on my phone for an hour until I can't stretch it anymore, and end up laying in bed for 6 hours when I get off work because I'm so off-schedule that I can't fucking sleep, and so wired from caffeine at work because I woke up tired from the fucking screaming kid my sister dropped off here that's screaming his fool head off, and my mother is too busy commenting to the kid that he's cute when he's screaming to figure out what the fuck is wrong and to get him to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

You'll never read this. Which is fine, because I wouldn't want to spoil the fun I'll have finally reaming you out for all the shit you've put me through mentally over the past year. I'm pretty sure I've done at least one other LJ on you, but it didn't finish it. Your recent antics have only made me hate you more.

Let's stick a bit of your most recent profile into this, shall we?

Wow. You like to write about your love life. You like to spew all sorts of nonsense hoping someone will take pity on you, not realizing that the same people you're looking to for pity are the ones you've lied to constantly since they've met you, me included.

You like to gab on about your apparent "love life" but you conveniently leave out the other things in your life that might, possibly, attribute to the shit you're going through. Let's review, shall we?

1) You have no idea how to manage money. You complain about how you've lost all sorts of money, never elaborating on how, but it's kinda obvious when we hit number 2...

2) You're a druggie. You've recently admitted to doing coke. You got fired for being high off your ass on LSD at work, but then you commented about how you'll just go back to your job the next day and ask for it back, saying "I have charisma, it shouldn't be too hard." I'm sorry, but if I were a parent, I wouldn't want an acid tripping teacher teaching my kids. Oh yeah... you said you were a teacher, teaching kids Spanish.

Number 2 is hard to believe. Well, the teacher part anyway. If you're teaching in California, that would mean you've done the 8 years of college schooling required in this country for a teaching degree.

3) You say you have 'cancer.' Funny, the last time I talked to you on the phone, you were going on and on about how awesome a job you had, about how great a salary you were getting, and if I was inclined to believe even half of it, you could have afforded to set aside a bit of it to have your supposed 'knee cancer' removed.

But then, there's a ton of other lies you've spewed. You own a house (or two, it changes with each telling), you own a car, you can't drive becuase you don't have a car, you can't get a license, you have a license but it's suspended/expired, etc. And don't even get me started on the pregnancy bullshit. You are, you aren't, you were, it's just a rumor, you can't, blah blah blah. Make up your damned mind.

Your love life is so twisted because you proclaim your 'love' to the person you're dating, and inform them of your need to marry them, within the first week and a half of going out. You then set about to change them into the person you dream of, rather than accepting them for who they are.

Want an example? Take myself, for instance. One week into me saying I'd like to date you and you finally giving the okay, out of the blue you say you love me and want me to fly out to CA from MI to get married to you. Fly out, with no money, and a handful of clothing. You say you'll pay for everything, which I was skeptical about from the start. I finally give in and say okay, simply because I was of weak mind at the time.

The next phone call, you start going on about how I'm an unstable person, how my job isn't good enough, and how when the two of us are finally together you'll get me into school and get me 'educated and able to find a REAL job.' Needless to say, I'm starting to get ticked off by the end of the call, but I don't say anything. I tend to try to avoid confrontations, instead of charging into them headfirst.

The next night, the next phone call. Again, you reiterate about how I'm unstable, and I counter about how it feels like you're trying to control me. You get upset. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was dead on, and you were upset because I realized it alot sooner than you wanted me to. So I end up making you cry and spend the remainder of the call trying to console you. I was an idiot.

Then came the incident with me and Chalsea making out. You accuse me of cheating, and say how kissing is cheating and such, and now you can't trust me. Fine, I agree, break up with you, and you try to convince me to change my mind. Except... how can we have a relationship if you can't trust me? You couldn't seem to get that idea through your thick skull, which was making me suspicious.

Your calls had already put me in jeopardy at work, and I had been at risk of losing my job because of you. I talk to people int he chat after our short as hell relationship and they explain to me about how you had been making all these plans to go see other people, and I had not been included. This was during the term of our relationship. There were at least two people whom you had promised "alone time" with, and I began wondering just how exactly I had been wrong in kissing someone while you were looking to get yourself LAID.

You break my trust by abusing my passwords and deleting my entire contact list in MSN. I, in turn, break off all contact with you, ignore your calls, and show you just how much of an asshole I can be. Just how 'unstable' I really am.

Let's fast forward to now. You use your lame, outdated information about my life in MI as an attempt to insult me in the chat. I hold my tongue, because I know I'm BETTER than you. You say shit about how all the friend I have are online, and that they don't matter, and the only reason they're online is because they (and me) are too lame to meet IRL. Hmm, doesn't that make YOU lame as well? My friends online are still IRL friends as well. I don't see a single difference.

You go on about how I would grow up to be a lonely pothead who would never amount to anything in my life. I'd like to know where you got pothead from my using weed maybe twice a month in MI, and rarely while back in KY, and now that I have a job I'm not using it at all?

And as far as drugs go, didn't you tell me you would never marry someone who did any kinds of drugs, and tended to stay away from dealers? And then when I finally decide to talk to you again, you're engaged to a coke dealer? Funny.

I'm a lonely pothead who will never amount to anything, who has a good paying job, is healthy, blood is clean, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and for once am finally happy with the way I am. You're a cokehead, acid popper, no job, no money, who is insecure about the way she looks, and thinks that 'charisma' will get her anywhere in life. Sorry, but tits =/= charisma.

The irony of it all is how your most current username in the chat admits the most glaring flaw in your personality, while you don't. Vanity.

Who's the unstable person now, huh bitch?

4 days.

And I has skunk.

So a couple of posts ago I talked about bad dreams. Dreams involving spiders. I woke up today from a bad dream that didn't involve spiders at all, and I can't understand why it's got me so shaken.

I don't remember much from it, except that it started out like a wet dream. Me, in a classroom filled with attractive girls.

So I'm sitting in the back of the room, and somehow I know that they all know I'm there. I guess because they keep looking back and smiling at me, or something. I recognize one of the girls in the group as a girl that I've crushed on before, who I will call Dee here.

So it was like I'm sitting in class with all these girls, and the teacher (another attractive woman, couldn't have been older than about 28) leaves the room. And the class explodes into talking, and Dee starts pushing herself onto some of the other girls, in a seductive "fuck me nao" way. An orgy starts.

Again, I'm just siting in the back, watching. I don't really feel like participating. Dee goes to every other person in that classroom and gets them into things before eventually coming after me.

Dee is the blonde girl I was crushing on when I worked at Ventra. She climbs up on the desk I'm sitting at and starts pulling at my clothes, smiling, kind of purring some. I'm shaking my head, saying no, all that, partly because I didn't want to join in and partly because I'm very self-conscious, and don't think someone like her needs to know what I look like (especially below the waist).

She continues to pull at my clothes, and I see the look on her face change from a seductive look to something like anger, like she can't believe I won't fuck her. Not only can she not believe, but she's getting angry over it. She pulls at my clothes one final time and finally gives up, at which point I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking.

I wish I knew what the dream meant.